Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Eat Your Vegetables Version of "Is It Spartanburg?"

I am a unabashed meatatarian, and I care very little for green things that grow out of the ground. I still have horrid recollections of being forced to eat broccoli as a child. In this edition of Is It Spartanburg?, full platters of veggie oddity are on the menu. Here are your choices:

Squash truck, poultry truck collide on I-85
Man in critical condition following cucumber attack
Man says woman peddling vegetables door-to-door robbed him at gunpoint

Apparently it's a normal occurrence for door-to-door vegetable peddlers to find business in Sparkle City at 10 p.m., because when the 38-year-old victim answered the door, he decided this woman had a good deal. When he went to get his money, she whipped out a handgun and demanded he "give it up" (which can mean all sorts of requests in Spartanburg). The woman made off with $350 of the man's cash.

That can buy a lot of asparagus.

To give you a bonus story, there's no better way for two elderly men to settle their dispute over a woman than one of them threatening to kill the other with a jagged board. For 74-year-old Robert Early Humphries, deputies say the jagged board was his weapon of choice when he arrived at the victim's house to settle a love triangle dispute.

Bar Wars
Out of the Holy City, where we have bigger issues than heat-packin' vegetable saleswomen, the battle over bar business downtown continues to heat up. One councilman has proposed that bars be allowed to remain open until 2:30 a.m. but stop serving customers at 2. As Mr. Riegel states, "This also creates an opportunity for those who feel obligated to water the neighborhood lawns to do so in a more civil manner in an establishment's restrooms. By drinking soft drinks and coffee inside the bar, the patrons will also have the opportunity to enjoy good conversation and to sober up if need be."

Apparently Mr. Riegel has never been drunk and/or in a bar at closing time. "Good conversation" in a bar at closing time generally boils down to this. You're either 1. Making plans for Waffle House 2. Discussing where to keep drinking 3. Figuring out who you're hooking up with 4. Getting in a fight. No one wants to stay around and sip Folger's Choice while discussing the niceties of the weather. Generally #2 kicks in and folks are searching elsewhere to get their drink on.

As for alleviating the public urination issue, if you've made it to closing time at a bar, a 30-minute cushion ain't gonna ease the strain on your bladder. Chances are you are going to sprinkle a King Streeter's lawn and then your roommate's underwear drawer when you get home.