Monday, October 13, 2014

Thy Meat is Tainted

Your one-way ticket to hell.
For my nine readers, you know that I tend to keep the status quo on this blog as pretty light-hearted. However, I feel I can no longer stay silent on a growing societal problem in this nation, and it's one that tears at the fabric of our moral fortitude and familial values. This problem is a sinful action that, although once regarded as a pariah in our society, has now grown to be a tolerated and sometimes even celebrated behavior.

I am, of course, talking about the placement of mayonnaise on hamburgers.

Let not the vocal minority sway you from the Biblical food laws upon which our nation was founded. Mayonnaise is made from egg whites, vinegar, and lemon juice. As Leviticus 19:23 states, it is forbidden to eat fruit from fruit trees unless it is four years have passed after you planted the trees. Do you think your lemon juice comes from four-year-old trees? I think not, sinner.

Furthermore, Numbers 3:6 forbids the consumption of vinegar for you Nazarites out there.

Clearly a higher power did not intend for the miscegenation of beef patties and mayo. God made Ground Chuck and Tomatoes, not Ground Chuck and Mayo!

But that doesn't stop the liberals in Hollywood, the media, and foodie sodomites from pushing their mayo agenda on the public. Liberal fast food chains like Wendy's (which also pushes the advancement of gingers in our society) force customers to eat mayonnaise on their burgers unless the customer specifically requests it be removed. The agenda has even forced its way into public schools where students can marry their patties with packets of Hellmann's. Such practice happens without a single reprimand from school administrations. All the more reason to send your children to private institutions.

America was founded on moral principles that support ketchup and mustard on hamburgers. These are American condiments. Would John Wayne put liberal pinko mayo on his burger? Did the man not play Genghis Khan?

Mayo and burger fraternizing is a personal lifestyle choice, not a natural food preference. There are several examples today of people who are former mayo users; with guidance, instruction, and tough love, these people can be cured of putting white sauce on their beef.

Now, I know what some of you folks are saying. Who cares? Why not let people eat their burgers the way they see fit? Here's why: Because you're ruining the sanctity of food consumption. If this atrocity is permitted, what's to stop people from putting mayo on steaks? Ice cream? Corn on the cob? Apple pie? For Christ's sake. Apple pie. Think of the moral implications of it.

Mayophiles don't want equality; they want special privileges. No one is saying they don't have the right to eat burgers. They just can't eat burgers with mayonnaise, which is the way God and our society intended. Some of you argue for civil unions of the beef and mayo, but I tell you that in God's eyes, there's nothing civil about it.

Personally, if I have children, I don't want my kids subjected to that disgusting behavior. Why should my child have to watch some heathen slap a glob of Duke's on his patty? But if they turn on the TV at night, they'll see such behavior not only prevalent but encouraged. Mayo-agenda shows like Chopped or Iron Chef will push those perverse lifestyles on our children.

This is why I eat at Chick-fil-A, a God-fearing establishment that eliminates any chance of hamburger and mayonnaise fornication by refusing to serve beef altogether. I encourage you all to support your local Chick-fil-A's free speech rights in this endeavor. Dress like a cow and burn mayonnaise jars in the parking lot.

As I write, the push for hamburger and mayonnaise toleration has reached the great state of South Carolina. I hear rumors that the Cheeseburgers-A-Plenty at the Beacon will soon have white goo on their buns in the name of "equality". Guess I missed the part where someone argued for my rights not to be offended by someone's food choice.

Take a stand, people, before these mayophiles rise up and make us ketchup users the oppressed minority in this nation.

And to the mayo users, I hope you enjoy your Miracle Whip warm in hell.