Monday, December 7, 2015

The Ten Dumbest Statements in College Football

Dang... how are my other 13 SEC
teams doin'?
Dang, I haven't posted since July. My wife said I missed my window back in June when I got a bunch of hits. But I got too busy going to the beach, drinking, fishing... you know, just Charleston things. But here we are now. Half of our state is rejoicing Clemson's undefeated dream season/ACC title/playoff berth and the other half is pondering how their team lost to the powerhouse that is the Citadel. But regardless, it's about this time that college football fans and analysts start making some pretty moronic statements.

You know what I really hate? When people write list articles and then spout off a long intro before getting to the actual list. So let's get on with it.

1. But (insert team vying for a playoff spot) hasn't played anyone! Ah, the crutch argument of every clown who hates the team trying to lock down one of those coveted spots. Of course, this neglects the fact that each of the Power 5 conferences has perennial cupcakes, even the vaunted SEC. And all of the great teams play some FCS pushover because the money from those games helps the FCS programs survive.

And giving your boys some much needed real practice in an easy win is what every Power 5 team does each season. Well, unless, of course, this happens...

2. (Insert one-loss team) should be the #1 team because it passes the "eye test". For those not familiar with this farcical term, it means a team is spectacular because, well, the person watching said team thinks it looks spectacular. Nevermind that they dropped a boneheaded game to some inferior team. Those fellas look purty, so let's ignore that loss and put them ahead of an undefeated team.

Boys, you ever date a batshit crazy girl? Did she pass the "eye test" before you started dating her? Now you see why eye tests aren't always so reliable.

3. That team runs a gimmick offense. Does that offense score a bunch of points? Does the team win a lot of games? Then shut your face and deal with it.

4. Team A is gonna beat Team B cause Team A is in the SEC. A lot of stupid statements in college football stem from some incarnation of SEC lore. We don't need to hash out how the omnipotence of the SEC has been an overblown myth. Plenty have done that already. And so forth. What we can do is round up all the logical fallacies that occur with that statement.

So based on the logic of "SEC team will win cause SEC," that means an SEC team never loses to a team outside the conference, right?


5. Strength of schedule should play a large factor in determining playoff teams. And what determines that? Preseason rankings? Eye tests? Conference affiliation? Sure seems like a lot of gray area. Perhaps we should stick to records of Power 5 teams. Come out undefeated? You're in. Win your conference championship game with one loss? You're in.

But you say the prowess of a team can't be determined until we examine strength of schedule. But we can't measure the skill of those teams on the schedule until we analyze their... strength of schedule?

Listen, going undefeated in any Power 5 conference is no small task. Rankings are too arbitrary to calculate an accurate strength of schedule.

6. We need to fire our coach because he can't win a national title/beat Alabama/balance the Congressional budget/discover cold fusion. Of course, that's directed at the UGA base. And the LSU one. C'mon. You know you clowns almost canned Les Miles. What, so you fire a guy because he recruits well, wins a lot of games, but can't win a national title? That's like firing a salesman who brings your company millions but can't land the Coca-Cola account. And you want to get rid of a guy because he can't take down Bama? Get in line. About the only way to consistently take down Darth Saban and Bama is to fire two well-placed photon torpedoes down the exhaust port.

7. I'm a (insert conference) fan! Ok. So it's really just directed at SEC fans. You can't be a fan of a conference. You pull for a team. That's how it works. Stop footballing wrong.

My diploma is from Clemson, not the ACC. Your receipt is from Wal-Mart, not the SEC.

8. The (insert really amazing college football team) could beat the worst team in the NFL. You know how many of those guys on the incredible college team are going to make an NFL roster? Just a few. You know how many of those guys on the worst NFL team made an NFL roster? All of em. The Cleveland Browns would curb-stomp any team Nick Saban put on the field.

9. It was an early loss, so it shouldn't hurt them as much. How in the actual hell did we start excusing one-loss teams for a meathead loss simply because it was early in the season? What if we applied this concept to other areas of life?

"Oh, it's okay, sir. You got drunk earlier today, so I won't give you a DUI."

"Hey, man, don't worry about losing that account that cost us millions. It was early in the year."

"Bombed those first couple of tests? It's cool. That was early in the semester. Let's give you an A."

"It's okay, baby, it happens to a lot of guys..."

A loss in September counts the same as a loss in November.

10. Notre Dame should be in the playoffs. Just stop. Duke basketball has already started up. Go watch that.

That's all I got, so here's an image of Steve Spurrier with a chicken.